The surprising top 4 things that men are looking for in women on a non-superficial level.
When one of our team members at Naked Revival suggested I write a blog about the top things men look for in women I realized this was something I’d never really thought about. In my early twenties when I was dating it seemed that the prevailing narrative around men’s wants hadn’t evolved much since the Palaeolithic era. The cultural caricature or punchline of the typical man was that they just wanted sex, service, submissiveness, or at least general agreeableness from a partner. Of course, that stereotype wasn’t and isn’t true by any account, even though they too thought those things.
There are various primary masculine archetypes. We outline those as King, Warrior, Lover, Magician which you can read more about here. (LINK) The masculine essence possesses one primary archetype, and to varying degrees, also possesses each of the secondary archetypes within. Men also have varying degrees of masculine and feminine essence and they can experience different combinations of these archetypes and essences at different times in their lives. For instance, while at some point we may be more in our warrior and masculine energies, say if we’ve decided to build our own business, at other times we may be more in our magician and feminine energies, like when we’ve experienced and are in the process of healing trauma. Further still, while building that business we can change over into the magician and feminine energy while either on vacation or a creative retreat, or the warrior and masculine energy while healing from trauma by needing to focus on putting food on the table or completing a critical task. We exist on the continuum of this archetypal spectrum and true male maturity and masculine excellence is finding the rhythm and flow between these polarities.
All this to say, superficial wants like, “has a nice smile” “is good in bed”, “have common hobbies and interests”, “wants three kids” or “is a liberal or a conservative” do not speak to the dimensions of men nor their wants in a partner. If a man says he wants those depthless things, it’s only because he hasn’t yet learned the language of his own soul's desire. Furthermore, if man says he wants those things he’s likely just parroting the social and societal norms he heard or has been instructed to want. True soul attraction goes deeper than physical and biological desire. It's an inner knowing.
When my wife and I look back at our 15-year relationship we see how this inner knowing was present in our love. I didn’t initially know if I wanted children. She did. She was a catholic, I wasn’t. I wanted to live in a city, she wanted nature. The list of differences went on and on and on. We’ve now built a life that has many shared desires. When I asked her why she chose me, instead of someone more aligned with her “wants” at that time in her life, her answer was “my soul knew.” As did mine.
This brings me to the top four things a man REALLY wants in a woman.
1) Trust and Respect
A man wants a woman to trust his judgement and respect his choices knowing full well that he will get things wrong. This does not mean his heels are dug in and he’s resistant to advice, change and conversation. By the same token, this doesn’t mean you won’t make plenty of decisions together either. This is about trusting him when he feels called to make a bold choice and respecting his journey and his ability to overcome the challenges he’ll face on the path of that choice. Your trust and respect will empower his own trust and respect in himself. The more he trusts and respects himself the more embodied, grounded, steady, reliable and present he’ll be for you. He’ll be a better lover as well! Of course, he’ll make mistakes when learning to act on his inner compass and traverse into the unknown. If he’s shamed and belittled for the mistakes he makes on his journey, the more mistakes he’ll continue to make. He’ll lose his courage and passion for life which will affect everyone in his circle. Instead of saying, “Well that’s just great, you wasted our vacation money for this year on your little project,” he wants someone who will say, “I respect that you took a risk to make our lives better and follow purpose, I trust it’ll work out in the long run.”
2) Hear His Heart
When a man comes home excited about some new passion or purpose he’s discovered in himself, he’ll want to share it with the person he loves. If you’re open to hearing “his heart” in these moments he’ll share more deeply and feel more connected to you. If you don’t, he’ll take that energy and find someone else to listen to him, which means more time apart and less of a bond with you.
True masculine essence seeks its purpose. Rooted in the fullness of his purpose a man can then be a better father, lover, worker, parent and friend. Without the pursuit of purpose, the masculine essence feels hollow and unfilled. This results in a more flimsy and less powerful person.
Create space to hear his heart. Listen intently and ask deep questions. It will fill him with power and passion for himself, for life and FOR YOU!
3) He Wants You to Take Care of Yourself.
The true masculine essence holds space for and worships the divine feminine. You are his goddess and queen. He wants you to love yourself by taking care of yourself. Taking time for self-care through fitness, healthy food, self-growth, self-pleasure, girl time, beautiful clothes and spa time are all signs that you feel good in your own body (or are trying cultivating it). When you take care of yourself you radiate a beautiful eminence that fills both you and him with life and love and desire. Letting yourself go by not caring for yourself is opening the door to letting the relationship go because you’re showing through your actions that you’re giving up. That type of energy does not build the magnetic bonds of a relationship, it depletes and demagnetizing them. He wants you to take over yourself.
4) He Wants You
This may be the simplest of his wants. He wants to fuck the woman he loves. He wants to adventure with the woman he loves. He wants to chill and drink beer or a glass of wine with the woman he loves. He wants to build a life and a home with the woman he loves. He wants to have fun with the woman he loves. In other words, he chose you because wants you to experience the pleasures of life with him. If you don’t have sex and don’t do fun things, then it won’t feel like you’re “in it together” and yes he’ll feel like he’s not getting what he wants and needs. We all know how that story usually ends.
Allow me to close by saying that on the surface these four things may seem selfish. They are not. A mature man wants these things in balance with his partner's wants and needs. They are both one-half of the fertile soil in which your relationship grows and flourishes. None of these wants can be properly captured in a dating profile or even the questions we ask while getting to know someone. Sure, sometimes our answers can be telling, but really these wants are reflected in our actions. They’re not boxes to be checked off either. We can grow individually - and together - into a partner who can actually offer these wants to each other.
Do you agree? Are there any others on your list? Tell us in the comments.
