Don’t bring up the presidential debate on your next first date.
As much as you think they might care, they really…just…don’t. They won’t be impressed by your half-baked regurgitation of Rogan’s or Stewart’s or whoever’s hot take on current events or your summation about how democracy is in peril because privileged post-modernists are desecrating the very foundation on which society is built. Nor should you opine on how, because of AI or “schools these days,” this may not be a world you want to raise kids in. But, gosh darn it, the population is set to decline and we need to do our part to fix it (without affecting the climate of course).
Sure, they may very well agree with your worldview, and feel a tribal kinship starting to tingle in their loins, but believe it or not, talking about interests isn’t the actual magic of getting to know someone. In fact, by focusing on interests and your list of specific needs and wants for a relationship, you’re not really getting to know someone at all.
For many, dating is no easy thing. I get it! Sometimes you feel insecure, or desperate to just get through that first date. Sometimes it’s awkward and there are almost always undertones of uncertainty and judgment. And that was before Tinder and the like. With detailed profiles, compatibility scores, and the high stakes that come from the pressure of knowing there is a long list of hungry contenders eager and available, dating in 2024 lumps us into a competitive try-out that seems more like the NFL Combine than good old-fashioned courtship.
So many options, so little time.
So, if you’re going to date, then date with intention. Right? This, however, turns dating into a twisted productivity exercise. As a result, dating in this era can miss the essence, the joie de vivre, of getting to know someone. Moreover, how much can we really know about someone when we’ve swiped our way to our go-to Mexican restaurant with the reasonably-priced margaritas to see if this person is right enough for us? And if they don’t immediately tick all our pre-determined boxes, we’ll just head to the restroom, ready our pointer finger, and start swiping for the next one.
This is a zero-sum way of dating. Rather, it indicates just how broken modern dating, with its corresponding apps, is.
When we assess people in this myopic, self-interested (narcissistic even) way, we often miss the real person in front of us. Getting to know someone isn’t about checking boxes on a list. Nor is it about the ‘holding space’ associated with barfing up all our traumas. There will be a time and place for that.
It’s not about being ideologically aligned, although that certainly isn’t a bad thing. And finally, it’s not about being so impressive that you actually live up to your carefully curated digital persona.
It’s about vulnerability, patience and the ability to enjoy being in the quiet presence of someone else. Because ultimately, when you choose a partner, you’re choosing someone you want to be bored with. Someone who, alongside you, will create a simple fulfillment in the mundane, unsexy, parts of life. As Saint Thomas Aquinas says, “…the silent pause gives sweetness to the chant.” And thusly, it’s often what isn’t said and what can’t be seen on the surface, that we begin to learn the beauty of who that someone really is.
It’s the light in their eyes when they look at something that isn’t you, that gives a glance into their soul. It’s the quiet, slow spaces between speaking or doing, where the true nature of someone’s heart can be felt.
Sometimes, the best music is made not when the musician is performing, but when they are just strumming their guitar and singing at home on their couch. Sometimes, the best acting is when the actor is not really acting at all.
So, how can we get off the stage, so to speak, when on a date, and let our true nature shine through?
The complexity of the truth here is inconvenient for both sides. It takes an open heart, an open mind and lots and lots of time to relax into a place where you can really know someone. This is antithetical to a digitally-connected world full of options. You see, back in Ma and Pa’s day, there were only so many suitors in their town and proximity was vitally important factor in finding what. With limited options, that generation was potentially inclined to make a more fulsome effort to get to know the person they asked to dance.
Now, it’s all too easy. If the glass slipper doesn’t fit, we’ll just move on to the next foot. The law of diminishing returns reminds us that engaging with more feet doesn’t necessarily lead to foot fetish. Okay, bad joke but you get the point!
What about that laundry list of requirements you created for that ideal partner? Who does that person need to be for you and to build a life together? While this is a helpful exercise in theory, the challenge is that your view then dominates your thinking, and you perceive every interaction with this person through that filter.
This is an entirely flawed premise for two primary reasons. One: As a dynamic, beautifully complex being, you are always changing and evolving. The specific needs you’ve outlined only represent the past version of yourself. Your future heart may ultimately (and probably) want something completely different. Two: As such, someone else can slowly meet those needs over time, even if you’re not interested in them at first.
Listening to our soul’s whispers can give us a glimpse into our future heart’s desire, and give someone else a chance to fulfil it. This is the commitment we make to someone when we agree to partner with them.
So on your next first date, try to tone down your intention for a specific desired outcome. Instead, find enjoyment in the company of another. Express gratitude by thinking, I’m grateful to be here right now with this person. And even if it wasn’t the perfect first date, go on another one or two just to see what might happen once you relax and provide a bit more space to experiencing one another.
